I wrote this piece sometime ago after a short break from journaling. It’s titled, ‘Dear Journal’ and I actually wrote it to my journal and unearthed some interesting things about myself.
So, it’s been a while since we connected. And because of this I’ve felt very dead for a long time.
Writing in you makes me feel alive and helps me break free from the numbness, fear and doubt I sometimes feel. Writing in you makes me feel connected to my Higher Source and the Divine. Maybe it’s because of the power in getting things out and the sheer potency of words unlocking the things I carry within.
In journaling I come clean, bare and open with myself. My streams of awareness and consciousness open, my true self and heart reveals. When I write, I feel like I’m giving the things that I carry deep within an outlet and avenue to free themselves. Its truly powerful stuff to me. As pen glides across paper, I have the opportunity to release so many of the things I stifle and suppress, the things I’m afraid to ponder on and examine. They confront me openly. I become more aware of and able, to address or examine my life – who I was, am, or could be. It’s therapy, its cathartic and its expository as it reveals me to myself and gives me the opportunity to analyze and understand my life in a meaningful way.
I miss you, Journal. But I couldn’t be here because you cause me to be real to me, true to me, honest and open with myself. You help me remember the Divine within and that consciousness leads me to think, act, live and be different. You remind me of my callings, my purpose, my Creator, the path I should be on. When I pen my soul on you, you show me when I’m not being me, the real me. You show me where or when I’m compromising and unravel the layers of inauthenticity I’ve accumulated. You show me that I’m not living my best life and being my best self. You show me that I’m being ordinary and that I’m not dreaming big or challenging myself. You give me strategy and solutions. And sometimes I want to be ordinary and I don’t want to dream. Sometimes I want to blend in and not stand out. Sometimes I want to be different. Sometimes its easier not to strive.
But this always feels life self betrayal and inauthenticity and it never feels good or right. And that feeling is heavy and it makes me feel like I have a weight on my neck, threatening to drag me under waves of guilt, shame and depression.
I’m coming back to you. I need you more than you need me. You are good for me. You help me to stay true to myself and push to live and be better. You help me to see my potential and the vastness that is before me. You give my journey perspective and depth. You help me want to be my best, fullest, most alive and true self. And although that is not always easy, I know now that the hard truth. That hard truth being that when I stay away from you, I feel a shift from who I am to what others want me to be. What I sometimes want to be, which is not the true me. I deserve to be the best version of myself, no matter how uncomfortable it makes others feel or how they perceive me to be. I deserve to feel alive, awake and filled with purpose and I deserve to feel joy. So I return to you because I long for the things I’ve missed. This time, I promise to be faithful and consistent to writing in you because when I write to you, I speak to an unleash the inner me. My deepest and truest me. And as I write, I will let the things that weigh me down to bleed onto your pages. You are my bloody canvas. A portrait of my heart, mind and soul. An expression of my dreams, fears, failings and triumphs. You are an external extension of the things I carry within, think, believe, am. You are akin to me and you help me, through authenticity, openness and reflection, to become the best possible version of myself I could hope to be.
Carlana Charles is the visionary and editor-in-chief of FemmePowered. She is a womanist, writer, speaker, story midwife and facilitator of meaningful and engaging conversations. When she is not working in or on FemmePowered, she can be found resting, baking, reading or scribbling furiously in her journal whilst sipping wine or coffee, sometimes both at the same time. She is currently working on her first book and hopes to release it in September 2018.